Monday, 18 April 2011

My Name Is Darren

I'm a Spam-a-holic.

It's true.

You're probably a lot like I was once:- The only time you really saw or heard Spam mentioned was in sketchy publications or whispered in dark corners at shady get-togethers.  I looked down on Spam users, like anyone naturally would.  'Surely' thought I, 'the sight of Spam alone is enough to set off some primal instinct in people and send them screaming in the opposite direction'.

Then one day a friend offered me some and in one terrible moment I'd said yes and was biting into a sliver of Hormel Food's hot magenta coloured precooked produce.

That morning seems like yesterday's tomorrow, today, only yesterday and now I'm sat in a freezing cold kitchen, head half in the oven trying desperately to get an ancient grill warm enough to do a bit of the puce shaded chopped pork shoulder injected with salt, water, modified potato starch as a binder, and sodium nitrate as a preservative with toast.

I urge anyone out there not to do what I did.  it starts out innocently enough but do you really want to risk loosing your family, friends, job and home in favour of another hit of aspic glazed, light thulian pink coloured mystery meat?  Lest we forget that Spam is a gateway product and may lead to 'experimenting' with even more disgusting substances such as liver, tripe and soy meat substitutes.

I'm off now to wander the streets looking for a greasy spoon that might serve the 'with black pepper' variation of the lavender pink tinged article.  You I hope, will take something from this tale of woe and steer very, very clear of Something Posing As Meat.


  1. I was that friend! and for the record i would like to add that is nowt wrong with spam. like cockroaches, the cis and dave, spam will survive the fall of the human race once all bombs go off and the money has been spent for better or worse.

  2. Spam is absolutely disgusting, I can't imagine why anyone would choose to eat it in the first place. Shame on you!

  3. The first step to solving any problem is admitting one has 'they' say.