Thursday, 21 April 2011

The Father, The Son And The Confectionery Dispensing Lagomorph

Hey everybody!

Yes indeedy, it sure is Easter!

We all know what that means...right..?  Well, maybe not.

Some study or other that doesn't even warrant an indolent Google search may well have you believe that X percentage of schoolkids/U.K. Citizens/Doggers aren't remotely aware that the 'holiday' is a marker of great importance in Christian dogma.

The account goes that the son of God - omnipotent creator of all things Heavenly and Earthly - was persecuted, tortured and ultimately murdered in a horrendous manner in front of a baying crowd by the very people he wanted to help.  Alternately and for the more skeptical, a genuinely pious or mentally troubled man was persecuted, tortured and ultimately murdered in a horrendous manner in front of a baying crowd by the very people he wanted to help.

Whichever way you look at it, the question remains; How in the World do these events equate gorging on chocolate in the shape of eggs that were handed out by a sentient rabbit?

'Happy' Easter.

Monday, 18 April 2011

My Name Is Darren

I'm a Spam-a-holic.

It's true.

You're probably a lot like I was once:- The only time you really saw or heard Spam mentioned was in sketchy publications or whispered in dark corners at shady get-togethers.  I looked down on Spam users, like anyone naturally would.  'Surely' thought I, 'the sight of Spam alone is enough to set off some primal instinct in people and send them screaming in the opposite direction'.

Then one day a friend offered me some and in one terrible moment I'd said yes and was biting into a sliver of Hormel Food's hot magenta coloured precooked produce.

That morning seems like yesterday's tomorrow, today, only yesterday and now I'm sat in a freezing cold kitchen, head half in the oven trying desperately to get an ancient grill warm enough to do a bit of the puce shaded chopped pork shoulder injected with salt, water, modified potato starch as a binder, and sodium nitrate as a preservative with toast.

I urge anyone out there not to do what I did.  it starts out innocently enough but do you really want to risk loosing your family, friends, job and home in favour of another hit of aspic glazed, light thulian pink coloured mystery meat?  Lest we forget that Spam is a gateway product and may lead to 'experimenting' with even more disgusting substances such as liver, tripe and soy meat substitutes.

I'm off now to wander the streets looking for a greasy spoon that might serve the 'with black pepper' variation of the lavender pink tinged article.  You I hope, will take something from this tale of woe and steer very, very clear of Something Posing As Meat.