Thursday, 12 July 2012

Spiderman Versus The One With The Hair Off Of Friends

Picture the scene; you're outside your local multiplex searching for a flick to spend the next couple of hours and half your weeks' wage on.  Suddenly, from somewhere off to your right some gobby, mouth-breathing Ned says, 'fuuuuuuckin' 'ell.  ANOTHER comic film.'

You try not to look at them.  You grind your teeth at the several levels of ignorance this person wilfully displays in a crowded, public place.  Said moron opts to force his/her 'date' to watch Jennifer Anniston Romcom 12: The Racheling.  A decision said person goes along with in the hope that it will earn them some points in the quest towards a clumsy, unerotic sexual act that will unfortunately lead to this non-too-dynamic duo firing off a similarly low-foreheaded hatchling from the idiot factory that one of them owns without license or permission from a responsible adult.

Off they go and you've missed your chance to point out the idiocy of the statement and the ire-cum-hopelessness that even if you had, these knuckle-draggers would have completely missed the point of your protestations and simply said, ''e'yar!  What yer kickin' off for?  I know the ______ family from the ______ estate.'

Blah, blah, blah.

So, what would you have said?

Well, I'd firstly like to point out that, just like the bilge they have opted to watch, a film - for better or worse - is usually made because there is an audience for it.  Simple economics.  Next I'd point out that they themselves have probably watched many 'comic' films already themselves without even knowing it; something they might realize if they'd ever picked up an item of literature without the sole intention of ripping the corner off the back cover to make a roach.  The main error yonder Neds have made here is assuming that all comics feature classical spandex wearing superheroes and would no doubt be dumbfounded were they to be told that films like, Tintin, Men In Black, Sin City and Road To Perdition all began life as sequential art tales.

Then cometh the kicker.  I might also direct this bird-brained brace that whilst there is indeed a 'comic film' on at the cinema (in this instance The Amazing Spiderman) they have no less than three light-weight romcoms to choose from (also in this instance The Five Year Engagement, Friends With Kids and Magic Mike) so have not only no right to complain but indeed plenty of reason to rejoice.

Of course, as a reasonable and largely private person with more than a modicum of grace and knowledge of how to conduct oneself in public you say nothing.  And rightly so.  To try to educate such 'people' would take more time and energy than it takes to forget they exist for a while and in all likelihood be an ultimately futile enterprise.

SUPERHEROES are enjoying a wee bit of a renascence at the moment.  Quite rightly too.  To the couple from this recounting and their ilk I say, don't worry.  There always have been and always will be low-rent romcoms about self-absorbed people spending ninety minutes navel-gazing their way to an inevitable pairing-off ending...

...without one singular surprise in sight.


  1. Every single Rom-Com has the same standard plot as follows...

    self centred skinny woman with massive eyeballs, acts like a spoilt brat towards her over sensitive muscular well rounded boyfriend.
    said woman breaks off the relationship because she falsely believes she "deserves" more from life.
    Man is heart broken and seeks to reclaim her affections because she has beaten any selfworth from his existence.
    Woman goes shopping with her dickhead mates. she sleeps with a random good looking bloke, realises her mistake and goes back to the original bloke who has sat still crying like a wuss.
    the end.
    no morals, no twists, no ultimatum and more importantly - NO TALKING DOG!

    Flick chicks are for dicks.

    1. No mad dash at the end to the airport/train station/sharabanc terminus?

    2. I couldn't bring myself to type that, but yes. overall they have too much mardy-arse whining and whinging and the sex sences are not graphic enough.