Friday, 10 June 2011

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Most people would, if asked, say they 'keep up on the news'.  It's a broad sentiment but whatever your stance is, you do.

For example, you may not read the paper and may instinctively hit the + channel button on your remote at the site of a scrolling report banner as though every second you delay will result directly in the death of a cherished family pet, but you are by and large aware of the issues that immediately pertain to your situation.

Is the economy principally okay?  Has the despot of the week been shot through the eye?  Has my pension been spunked up a tired, jaded, illegally imported prostitute by a soulless, piss-drip of a so-called person that works for one of our great banking institutions?

These are worthy questions but what is the price of knowledge?  It's having to suffer the woeful and empty tales about kicking sport players and orange women who seem to have completely circumnavigated the burning 'why am I here' question in favour of being so pointless that they themselves could not honestly tell you what they are for.

At the time of writing, a man who tries to make a ball go over there is still headline news after a month because he put his willy in a lady and became surprised when this reality television 'star' turned out to be a shameless, fame-hungry oxygen-thief of even less merit than he himself.

We shall not be looking at this with any kind of scrutiny here.  It's just that I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!  A man, albeit a barely evolved one, had sex in a 'lady'.  That's the news that supersedes the daily atrocities, the war, famine, pestilence and continued career of Justin Lee Collins?  Why oh why can't we be allowed to filter news levels so that right-minded people can stay up to date on the grown-up stuff and people who watch pretty any of the detritus that's on on Saturday nights can remain informed about which low-forehead has been goaded by Max Clifford into following Jordan between despicable shindigs like Landon following Taylor in Planet Of The Apes.

As Sherlock Holmes said; I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Merry Christmas, wHOres, wHOres, wHOres.

Okay.

Bear with me on this one.

I know every year every man woman and child bemoans the fact that the advertisers and retail outlets start pushing festivals and celebrations way earlier then any sensible person deems necessary.  Normally I tent to avoid commenting on this as it seems tired and futile but this year I feel the need.  What justifies it this time around?

Maths.

At my place of work, one will often find various periodicals lying around the canteen (a generous term for a Portakabin with some plastic institution style chairs crammed in) and amongst the grotty gossip mags I found a copy of The Sun newspaper from the start of June.  Quickly skimming through the pages, I happened upon a feature written with a sense of urgency not present in the reports about war and poverty.

'Don't get caught out!  These will be THE toys your child NEEDS this Christmas!'

This was the flavour of the article which went on to prostitute itself with pictures of Transformers figures and furry toys that somehow look worse than when I was a kid - many moons ago - despite what surely should be a vastly improved manufacturing technique.

Now bear in mind the date:- It was the first of June people!  THE FIRST OF COCKING JUNE!  This means that 'they' have officially started pushing the next Christmas whilst we are still closer to the last one.

People let it slide when the festive season seemingly took over December.  They let it slide when it was at the back of people's minds during Guy Fawkes Night and Halloween.  Surely now given that we're still nearer the 25th of December 2010 than the 2011 version it is time to take Christmas back and say, 'shut your fat pie-hole Big Business!  You've stretched it now and it has been all ripped apart by your gluttony like a fat man's stomach lining and that probably is not a good thing.'